In Control!

So, for the last 2 days I have successfully diverted my mind off our impending ICSI treatment - result!  Only 16 days until I start the down reg drugs....

I can't remember being particularly over-hormonal on them last time tbh but have read a lot on various internet forums recently about how the hormones can be hard to deal with and turn you into a bit of a monster! We will see!

What I can remember from last time is that I got quite a lot of hot flushes.  In particular in the evening (after injecting my down-regs) and also during the day at work.  I would have to excuse myself from meetings because I'd turned right red and I'd fake a sneeze attack or a phone call or something to get me out of the room ASAP!  I even used to sit right by the door so I could make a sharp exit...lol...:)

If the hot flushes are the worst thing this time I'll be fine!  Fingers crossed :)x

Diverting your mind works wonders :)

It's the Easter weekend so Buzz is off work for 4 days - hurray!

We decided to go out for a day at the shops today. I even bought myself a new pair of shoes :). We had a really nice day and it really refocused my mind.  Shopping solves everything!  We got Posey some new things and she had a good play with some of the toys in one of the department stores.

Buzz and I are planning a chilled out evening with nice food and the TV :)x

Positivity is key!

Yep yep yep :)

IVF worked last time so why on earth wouldn't ICSI work this time x

My Daddy's Girl :(

Ok, so Posey is a Daddy's girl.  Whenever Buzz isn't at work she wants him.  She wants him to read her stories, play megabloks with her, take her for a walk and feed her 'choc choc'. We think she sees him as the soft touch because most of her time is with me and that means I make her eat her meals, I change her nappies, I'm the one doing chores in the house with her.

When Daddy's home it's all fun fun fun.  It was ok until this week (typical!) as i accepted that was just how things were at the moment but yesterday Posey literally stood by the front window waiting for him to get home from work and from the second he got home, it was all cuddles with daddy.  I didn't get a look in :(

Unfortunately this morning was the same.  Mummy was second best and she just wanted Daddy.  When he left for work she cried and called through the front door for him.  It may sound selfish but it's heartbreaking.  I waited 4 years for her to be here, I nurtured her as a baby and I do so many fun things with her - soft play, music classes, singing, stories, building towers, dancing - so why does she seem to love Daddy more than me?

I hope this is mind talk but I must admit it's starting to take over my life a little and I worry Posey doesn't like me.  It makes me upset and that much more hellbent on having another baby x

Coping...?

1. Why am I so impatient?
2. Why do I want to know all the answers to the questions that cannot be answered?
3. Why do my friends keep announcing they're pregnant?!!!!!!!

I think I can come to terms with 1&2 above, but 3 is just in another league.  Before Buzz and I conceived Posey every pregnancy announcement was like a slap round the face.  I was genuinely happy for my friends who fell pregnant, but I desperately wanted it for myself.  I feel a bit like that too now.  I must remember:

1. I have beautiful Posey.
2. Pilates and music helps me relax (I must must remember to relax!)
3. It's not all going to happen quickly.....

x

Thinking about our consultation yesterday

This morning = shattered. com.  Literally.  I think my mind has been working overtime & my state of mind was certainly not helped just now as Posey was very reluctant to go to nursery.  It breaks my heart when she has mornings like this.  However the fact of the matter is I need to work.  I have businesses to run and I need to earn money.  She only goes 2 days a week so thankfully I still have 5 days with her every week :)

I start my down-regulation injections in preparation for our ICSI treatment on 15 April so there's less than 3 weeks to go now! 3 weeks until I become a pin cushion once more! I am counting down the days.  I've always been impatient.....

I've been taking my folic acid supplements for 6 weeks already and am eating a very good diet so I know I am preparing well.  I don't do much exercise but I do run around after Posey and I'm only litte anyway.  My focus needs to be on being emotionally prepared for what the hormones are going to do to me.  It's like bad PMT x 25 million :(

On reflection, yesterday was good.  The dates are in the diary and look something like this:
10 April - pick up down reg drugs and learn how to use them.
15 April - start down reg drugs
29 April - baseline scan (to make sure my body isn't doing anything fertility-wise..)
30 April (ish) - start gonal-f (hormone injections) to make me produce lots of eggs :) this is where my hormones will go off the scale!!!!!
Around 15 May - egg collection & semen sample.  The day after we find out how many embryos we have, if any...
2 days later - embryo transfer or if we're lucky it'll be blastocyst transfer after 5 days.

Bring. It. On x

Our IVF consultation - finally!!

Well, although I say 'finally' I do feel quite lucky as we only booked our consultation 6 weeks ago.  We get no NHS funding to conceive our second child so we just went straight to the clinic.  Last time, with Posey we had 2.5 years of NHS fertility tests, including painful internal scans, lots of blood tests (good job blood replenishes itself otherwise I'd have run out!), clomid for 3 months, follicle tracking scans and finally a diagnosis of PCOS.  I guess this time we know the deal so it's straight to the clinic!

So, we had our consultation today with a very nice lady, who was our consultant last time.  She put us at ease and asked lots of nice questions about Posey.  That really helped me to 'hold it together.' As I had been feeling teary all the way there and while they were running 40 minutes late....  The consultant informed us that as we only had 1 embryo from 12 eggs collected last time (hurray - the 'one' was a good one as it's Posey!) she recommended ICSI this time rather than IVF.  We said ok (that'll be another £900 then....) then we went through all the questions like "how many embryos would you like transferring back into you?" and "are you happy to freeze embryos?"  God knows! Let's see how many we get and then decide.  One step at a time.....

Then off we went for our bloods and the dreaded semen assessment.  All of which thankfully, came back ok.

Quick bit of lunch then home to collect Posey.  Tonight? I am SHATTERED.  Emotionally, physically and mentally.  Way too much thinking for 1 day but that's step 1 done.  Next I need to call the clinic when my period starts so they can arrange my "cycle". I am secretly hoping I'm pregnantm but I know, deep down, that I'm not.  I'm used to that pain every month.  And I'm also used to my mum friends announcing they are pregnant with their second babies.  Perhaps that'll be me soon.....

About Coco (me!)

Hi there, I'm Coco and this is my first blog post.  I thought I should write a little bit about what I will be blogging about and tell you a bit about me.....

I'm gong to be blogging about my baby journey.  I am 35 years old, I own & run 2 successful businesses, I love family time and I have a lot of friends.  Some would say I have it all but there is one thing I don't seem to be able to do, something that most 'normal' people can do....and that is decide I want a baby, and just have one!  I know it is not simple for many of us btw....

I have been happily married to Buzz for almost 7 years.  I have severe polycystic ovaries however didn't know until we started trying for a baby, 14 months after we got married.  Years of taking The Pill masked it.  4 years later and after a long assisted-conception journey our dreams came true when our beautiful daughter, Posey arrived.

Now Buzz and I would like Posey to have a little brother or sister, so we are embarking on another journey.  One that we hope will be shorter.  We want to complete our family. Am I scared? Yep, I'm terrified!

Don't get me wrong,  I know how fortunate I am to have Posey and every day as she learns new things I feel immensely proud of her.  She is my angel and I love her to bits.  Buzz and I just want another Posey.  She'd make a great big sister and despite what we've been through, Buzz and I are solid.  We have a lot of love to give and our home & lifestyle is set up to grow our family.

So why am I so terrified?  3 reasons I guess:

1: IVF journeys are long.  The hormones mess with your head.  It's expensive.  It takes over your life.  It might not even work!!!!

2: Posey arrived at 35 weeks.  She was just ready to arrive!  She was ok but she needed special care for 10 days after she was born, including 5 days on the neonatal ward.  You know that time that you dream of? Holding your newborn and posing for family pics? I didn't get that.  I'd waited 4 years for that moment but Posey was whisked away into an incubator pretty quickly and I was left in the delivery suite being stitched back together and trying to express some colostrum.  Yep, it hurt.  It all hurt like hell.

3. After I returned to my old office job when Posey was 10 months, I hated it.  I was overworked, I missed Posey, and I had little sup port from my manager.  2 months later I'd been signed off with stress/depression (I couldn't tell the difference at that point...). I cried every day for hours.  Making a cup of tea or emptying the dishwasher tipped me over the edge.  I lost all confidence in my ability to do my job and be a mother.  It was the worst 3 weeks of my life until the anti-depressants kicked in
and I felt strong enough to talk to Buzz and some close friends about what I was going through.  Thankfully, 7 months later, I'm almost 'normal' again and yes, I did give up my job.  Nothing is worth feeling like that for.  Absolutely nothing! So, yes, Buzz and I are a bit skint now.....:(

Anyway, that's me.  Buzz and I have our IVF consultation today for Coco junior! Roll on 1pm.  I will write about how it went.  God I hope we can start soon!  Like tomorrow...x